


Don't Steal From Vending Machines

by Merkey666



Series: 2016 Au [2]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon is a loser, Brendon steals from the vending machine, Brendon wins a bet but he's the real loser, M/M, Ryan gets mad, but we love him, not cool man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 02:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8384230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merkey666/pseuds/Merkey666
Summary: Ryan gets really confused as to why Brendon is stealing money from him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I always appreciate comments!

“Ry, I swear, it’s not fucking drug money. It’s for this thing in the studio. Please?” Brendon was quite literally on his knees begging. He always was such a drama queen.

“Why can’t you just tell me what it’s for then? If it’s not some big secret,” Ryan pleaded, holding the crumpled twenty dollar bill that had started this whole argument. It had just been sitting there, on the counter, and Brendon had just gone and snatched it up, falling directly into Ryan’s trap. Brendon had been sneaking money from all over the house for months now, and Ryan had a damn good reason for being concerned. 

“I just can’t, okay? It’s nothing! Please, Ry.” Brendon grabbed Ryan’s leg and shook him thoroughly. Ryan thought for a moment and bit his lip. 

“Nope. Not good enough," replied Ryan. Brendon groaned and fell to the side, spaying his body all over the floor and exposing his stomach. Crookshanks meowed from the couch. 

“Ryan, please!” Brendon whined. Ryan stayed silent for a moment and Brendon held his breath. Just for flare, Brendon grabbed his boyfriend's leg and squeezed. 

“Please, Jack. Never let go of your faith, Jack.”

“Brendon, what the fuck, no!” Ryan spluttered. Brendon withdrew his clamp on Ryan’s leg and scooted himself away on the floor, screaming at the top of his lungs. At least the floor would finally get cleaned, Ryan thought.

~

Ryan went about his day, feeling partially concerned for Brendon, but also happy that he could be alone with the instruments while Brendon was at the studio. Brendon, after Ryan had put the money back in his wallet where it belonged, had reluctantly slinked out of the house, promising to return late at night so he would wake Ryan, just to piss him off. Ryan had blown him a kiss, as Brendon scuffled out the door. 

Crookshanks watched him from across the living room while he strummed some chords absentmindedly. The world outside was a pleasant shade of grey, with whisps of clouds low to the ground. Ryan didn’t really feel like writing a song, but he felt the day would go to waste if he didn’t, and so he sat, stewing in his own procrastination. He lay back, and slid on the floor. Crookshanks looks down at him like he was the king of the household, which, in all honesty, he was. 

“What do you think I should do?” Ryan asked, picking at the underside of the coffee table, where he was now noticing was a popular place for Brendon to stick gum. He made a mental note to bring that up with him later and keep the trash can next to him at all times. Crookshanks got up and walked out.

“Thanks for the input,” Ryan sighed sarcastically, and looked out the window from his spot on the floor. Crookshanks growled from the other room. 

“What?” Ryan moaned lazily. He looked at his phone on the counter and debated calling Brendon, but the gum now stuck to his hand told him not to. Crookshanks growled once more from the kitchen. Ryan hauled himself out of his chair and meandered over to the kitchen where Crookshanks was angrily prodding his food bowl that was empty. Ryan looked from the bowl to Crookshanks and then back again, uncomprehending. 

“Oh shit,” Ryan eventually sighed. “How much d’you wanna bet Brendon’s gonna forget to buy cat food on his way home?” Ryan asked. Crookshanks hissed.

“I agree.” 

~

Ryan went out the door, scarf and wallet in hand not five minutes later. He leapt into the car, and had his phone plugged in and paying soft music nearly two seconds later. 

He wasn’t a fan of rolling down windows and blasting music out of your car, unlike Brendon, which irritated him to not end. There were plenty of Brendon’s not so desirable traits that Ryan put up with. The more he thought about Brendon, the more irritated he got. Brendon was supposed to get more cat food for the cat he adopted, he apparently stuck gum on the bottom of the coffee table, and also, it was just plain rude to keep secrets. His driving was more erratic than usual, and he just barely made it without getting a ticket. So far, the day had not been too good.

The pet store was busier than Ryan had imagined, and the animals in the store seemed to be mocking him. This hurt him deeply, as he usually loved the pet store because it enabled him to spend a good portion of his time petting dogs. This time however, if he even breathed near a dog it barked at him, and he internally cursed at Brendon. The couch seemed like an increasingly good plan for his manic boyfriend. He didn’t even care what Brendon said. 

Ryan growled to himself, and resided to barking back at all the dogs that make a stink over him. He angrily grabbed the cat food, dropping the cans on the floor a totally of six times, before departing to the check out line. The young cashier looked over worked and smelled not so wonderful, thanks to all the animals constantly shrieking, and Ryan felt a little bit sympathetic. That was, until, he pulled out his wallet to pay.

Ryan nearly exploded when he opened his wallet. He hadn’t even noticed it feeling lighter when he left the house. Where his spare cash used to be, now lay an empty section of his wallet. The twenty dollars that he had definitely put in his wallet that morning had “mysteriously” disappeared, but to Ryan it was less than a mystery.

“Sir? Cash or credit?” the poor cashier asked. Ryan’s eyes flew up instantly, ablaze with the urge to kill.

“Ya know what? I forgot my card at home. I’ll be back tomorrow. Sorry for the hassle,” Ryan smiled quickly before racing out of the store. He bounded over to his car, stomping the entire way. He jammed the key in the ignition and used his signature lead foot to his advantage. He’d be there before Brendon even got on his lunch break. 

“I hope he likes the couch,” Ryan growled, as he pulled onto the highway. Ryan turned the radio up to it’s loudest, which was so uncharacteristic for him, but he didn’t even care. The radio was playing angry music, and Ryan was angry, and Ryan didn’t care.

~

“Woah! Hey Ryan! Haven’t see-“

“Move. Where’s my fucking boyfriend?” Ryan slipped past the doorman, not even looking at him. He pushed into the hallway, his loud footsteps echoing down the corridor. The door man was speaking to him, but he couldn’t even hear it. as he raced down the corridor, he poked his head into every single door, interrupting the maximum amount of people, as Brendon’s door was the very last one. 

“Bitch better have my money,” Ryan growled. The door man began to make a move towards Ryan, as to stop him. Ryan almost smiled at the feeble attempt his door man friend was making. Pathetic, Ryan thought evilly. He kicked the door open and barged in without giving the man a second look.

“Brendon fucking Urie where the fuck is my God damn money?” he shouted, slamming and locking the door behind himself. Brendon looked frozen on the other side of the glass. 

“Ryan? What the fuck are you-“

“Sh. Brendon come here right fucking now,” Ryan growled. Brendon sulked over to Ryan who had the angriest look on his face that anyone in the room had ever seen. Ryan then noticed Dallon, Kenny and Dan who were in the room, looking quite stunned. Brendon spent plenty of time talking about his wonderful boyfriend who used to be in the band, but seeing Ryan in person was a bit of a miracle. Ryan flashed a quick smile at then before turning back to his boyfriend.

“Hey Ry! Whatcha doin here?” Brendon asked, putting on a fake smile. Everyone in the room saw right past his smile, and could see he was very guilty of whatever crime Ryan was accusing him of. 

“Where’s my money?” Ryan barked, jabbing his wallet into Brendon’s stomach. Brendon visibly gulped and put his hand on the back of his neck nervously. 

“Ryan, I can ex-“

“You can explain once you give me my twenty bucks back, and also after you explain why there’s gum underneath the coffee table. We do sometimes have guests over, ya know,” Ryan scolded, paying no attention to literally every other person in the room. 

“We never have guests over,” Brendon retaliated. Ryan gave him another jab with his wallet for emphasis. 

“Where. Is. My. Money?” Ryan hissed. 

“Ryan, honey, there are people here. Maybe we could-“

“Brendon!” Ryan snapped. Brendon bit his lip, trying to decide if ridicule was worse than the couch. The couch hurt his back, so ridicule it was.

“Okay fine! Fine. I don’t have the money,” Brendon sighed.

“Well where the fuck did it go then?” Ryan cracked. Brendon groaned, but again thought of his time on the couch and pressed forward anyway.

“I… I used it on the vending machine,” Brendon confessed. Ryan didn’t understand this information, nor how to react to it. To his surprise, Dallon gasped and nearly ripped his bass strap by taking it off so violently. He nearly threw his bass and he marched forward. Kenny made a move to restrain Dallon, while Ryan was trying to not stare Brendon’s weird friends. Dallon sent Brendon a warning look, and Ryan looked away to avoid combusting from the hatred pouring through the staring contest. 

“What was in the machine? Cigarettes?” Ryan asked, mind whirling, as Kenny and Dallon argued from a little ways behind him. 

“No…” Brendon groaned. Kenny gasped and narrowed his eyes at Brendon.

“You! It was you! How dare you, Brendon Urie! Ryan, do I have the right to punch him?” Dallon bellowed.

“Sure, why not,” Ryan huffed. Kenny crossed his arms and looked expectantly at Dallon. 

“No!” Brendon yelped, taking a step back, nearly crashing into the drums.

“Wait-“ Ryan held out a hand to stop Dallon from beating the shit out of his terrified boyfriend. Dallon retreated faster than Ryan expected he would. Still respectable, even when furious and possibly contemplating homicide. 

“You get one. One fucking chance to explain, before I swear to God- Crookshanks will hold a higher position of power than you in this God damn household,” Ryan threatened. 

“He already does!” Brendon contested. It was undoubtably true, but neither will willing to put up a fight over it. Brendon sighed deeply and turned on his heel. Ryan opened his mouth to object, but he motioned for Ryan to just wait. He walked through the door that lead to the sound booth and locked the door behind him. He leaned over the control panel and clicked a button.

“Okay Ry. Here’s what happened. It all started a long time ago-“

“Brendon!” Ryan shouted angrily. Their cat was waiting at home, probably wondering where his cat food was, that now they now had both failed in bringing home. 

“What was that, Ryan? Sorry,” he pointed to the glass wall. “Can’t hear you.” Dallon ran to the door, and kicked the door a few times. Ryan didn’t know what Brendon did, but if it made Dallon that mad, he probably deserved to get what ever Dallon had coming for him. Ryan thought he might even assist Dallon at this point.

“So anyway,” Brendon went on. “A long time ago, in a studio far, far away- No, I’m just kidding it was this studio. I made a bet with the guys, right. I said that I could get a song right on the first try and they were like, ‘You’re good, but not that good.’ So the bet was made, and if I won they would have to skinny dip in the ocean during at night, when it would be colder. Obviously, I did it, because I’m amazing, so they had to pay up. Most of them did it, and I even went in with them, but Dallon, the old man here, didn’t.” Dallon was loathing and sulking in the back of the room. 

“That was right around when I started… stealing money,” Brendon murmured. Kenny burst out laughing so loudly, Dan jumped from the corner where he was lurking.

“Anyway… I took the money so I could piss Dallon off, which I clearly did an excellent job of. Basically, I stole all of his favorite snacks from the vending machine as pay back,” Brendon’s lips curled up into an evil smile. 

“Brendon, that’s fuckin rude.” Ryan couldn’t believe his boyfriend. All that over some snacks? To be fair, it was a pretty cruel way of payback, but honestly, Ryan was feeling a little let down. But he wouldn’t let the moment go to waste. 

“Couch for you, mister. Also stop taking my fucking money. Use your own to piss off your friends,” Ryan grunted. Brendon let out a small smile through the glass. He looked from Dallon to the other door in the sound room, and back again. Brendon bolted from the room, went out the back and was gone. Dallon raced after him, smacking into the main door that Ryan had locked on his way in. He fumbled with the lock, and all that could be heard from the hallway was Brendon shrieking and laughing all at once. 

Moments later, Brendon emerged from the hallway, a smile on his face and his hair ruffled intensely. He walked in and pressed a light kiss onto Ryan’s cheek, only to get rejected and pushed away.

“Thieves don’t get kisses. Normal boyfriends who get cat food like they’re supposed to and who don’t leave gum on the bottom of coffee tables get kisses.” Ryan pushed him lightly. Brendon groaned and put on a pouty face.

“Can’t you get the cat food just this once?” he whined.

“I would, but there’s not fucking money in my wallet. I left my card at home.” Ryan glared at him. 

“You mean you guys kept the cat that Spencer stole?” Kenny asked as he strummed to one of Brendon’s new songs. 

“I can’t fucking believe it, but we did,” Ryan sighed, and looked at his watch. 

“I gotta go if I wanna get any work done today. See you later,” Ryan smiled.

“Does this mean I still have the couch?” Brendon asked from the other side of the room. Ryan didn’t even turn around as he replied.

“Not if you clean the coffee table!” Ryan could hear Brendon’s footsteps as he ran over to him and kissed him on the jaw, which really was the only place he could get to at the time being. Ryan lightly shoved him away again.

“Screw you, Urie.” But he was laughing as he walked down the hallway.

~

There was a knock on the front door.

“Hello? I’m from Jehovah’s-“ Ryan yanked the door open, grinning questioningly at Brendon, who was indeed carrying two magnificently large bags of both dry and cat food it his arms. Ryan didn’t even understand how he managed to knock. Brendon smiled extra wide to try and lessen the cold shoulder he was expecting. 

“Get in here, you big loser,” Ryan laughed, and pulled him inside by his shirt. Brendon dropped the cat food on the floor and followed him, happily surprised to not get the classic Ryan Ross silent treatment. Crookshanks hissed as he bounded over to his bags of food. Ryan dragged Brendon over to the couch and threw him down roughly. Their hands clashed as they struggled to get hold of each other. Brendon wrapped his hand around the back of Ryan’s neck and pulled him down on top of him.

“This isn’t what I was expecting when I walked up the front steps,” Brendon whispered as Ryan got situated on top of him. Ryan smiled and leaned down on and pressed their noses together. Ryan smirked deviously and Brendon’s breath hitched.

“This isn’t what I’m expecting… Is it?” Brendon asked, slowly realizing Ryan’s plan as he sat back up. Ryan smiled sweetly and Brendon groaned loudly.

“We can do whatever you want, as soon as you get your fucking chewed ass gum off of the bottom of the coffee table,” Ryan breathed, eye lids heavy and smoldering. Ryan stood up and watched Brendon over his shoulder as he walked into the kitchen. Ryan smiled to himself, as the moment Ryan left the room, there was a great crash of Brendon flinging himself off the couch and smashing into the coffee table. 

“Ryan…” Brendon moaned. “I smashed into the coffee table. I think I broke my nose.”

At least Brendon remembered to buy cat food.


End file.
